Does Everyone in Your Household Have to Agree Before You Bring a Dog Home?

In this article:

• Why should everyone in the family have to agree when you adopt a pet? 
• How can I convince my family member or partner to get a dog? 
• How can I make sure my partner and I are on the same page when it comes to adopting a dog? 
• How do I consider my children in this decision?

There’s a story that gets trotted out in my family with some frequency. Two and half years ago, I fell deeply in love with a small terrier when I saw her picture. My husband and I had often talked about adding a dog to our family, but the conversation always ended with us agreeing “not now, but someday.” After seeing this puppy, though, I informed my prospective dog co-parent that the time was right now. 

He disagreed, and expressed his concerns through a series of reasonable questions: How were we going to afford this dog? What’s her vibe? Will it gel with ours? What kind of life will we be able to give her? And, for the love of city-sized apartments, where would she sleep? 

I answered each of them firmly, easily, unimpeachably. Then my husband, imagining he had his trump card in hand, asked me, his morning-averse partner, “Who’s going to walk her in the mornings?”

“You are,” I said.

He laughed, thankfully, and soon we had our Bonnie. Not only that, but now they love each other with a kind of mutual respect that underpins any good relationship. I love their love, and I also love knowing that I was right. He’s handled her morning walk almost every day, and happily so. 

My story isn’t so unusual. In fact, it sounds like it could be the basis for one of those popular “Dads and the dogs they didn’t want”-style social media posts, in which dads who did not want dogs at first now find that they can’t live without their beloved best friends. But take it from me: there’s a lot that needs to happen in the interim between not wanting a dog and loving a dog—unlike what social media may show you. For the dog’s sake, you should get on the same page before they come home with you. More on why and how below.

What can go wrong when everyone isn’t on the same page

Shelby Semel, a dog trainer based in New York City, has worked with many families integrating new dogs into their lives. She told Digest that, while she has seen successes with one primary caregiver, she believes there’s a marked benefit in having more than one person responsible for a dog.

“I think of course when everyone’s on the same page and wants it, you’re going to have more hands on deck helping. The dog is going to have more people on their team,” Semel said. “And yes, someone could say they’re not interested and then change their mind, and that’s such a lovely story, but you never want to bank on that happening.” 

Nakia Greene, the Director of Adoptions at Every Last One Rescue in New York, said that the organization’s vetting process bakes in questions for everyone in the household that ensure they’re all on board at every stage (Every Last One is a rescue partner of The Farmer’s Dog). If at any time it “feels like a family member is not engaging enough in the process, or their thoughts and ideas are being overshadowed by another family member, we will extend the process to ensure everyone is aligned” before making an adoption official.

And they do that for a reason—to protect the dog. If the dog becomes a point of contention in the family dynamics, they could be returned, rehomed, or “not fully embraced” because partners can’t agree. Likewise, the pup could take on the ambient anxiety in the household. 

“Dogs, who by nature are empathetic beings, can often pick up on the stress levels in the home and react to them undesirably,” Greene said. (This is not just a hunch or an anecdote. Studies have shown that dogs smell our stress, and it can impact them negatively.) 

All of the above can alter “the way that dog now views the world—along with damaging that dog’s ability to transition environments, trust humans, and decompress appropriately going forward.”

Every Last One Rescue vets everyone in a household before adopting a dog out, but Greene has seen once-skeptical extended family members “fall massively in love” with an adopted dog. 

“I think the shift happens when a person watches someone they love fall in love and be loved,” she said. “There is nothing more special than watching your sister, daughter, grandson or grandmother find their spark again, especially after hard times or heartbreak.” And if that positive change is due to the dog? It’s “difficult not to be grateful and indebted to that pup.” 

What’s the best way to convince hesitant family members? 

Jess Adam, founder of Handlers & Humans, a therapy practice that specializes in mental health care for dog owners, said that she doesn’t necessarily think everyone needs to be “equally on board” for a new dog. Unmatched levels of enthusiasm are normal.

This means that not “every family member has to be equally involved in the daily care, training, or decision-making or have an equal amount of enthusiasm.” It can still work, she said, when there are differing levels of enthusiasm as long as a couple is committed to honest communication and approaches the problem with curiosity and flexibility.

But all household members do need to be committed to the dog’s best interests.

“What everyone does need to be on board with,” Adam said, “is this: the well-being of the animal has to be considered in all decisions, interactions, and daily routines. Roles can vary, but being ‘on board’ with a shared commitment to the pet’s welfare cannot.” 

One big thing a couple can do around this issue, Adam said, is talk and listen very closely to each other. When talking through the hesitancy or the roles each other would take in the pet’s life, the conversations should “reveal that each partner is holding different pieces of the puzzle. The enthusiastic partner may not have fully considered practical realities, while the hesitant partner may not yet feel reassured that their concerns would be taken seriously or addressed with a concrete plan.” 

“A helpful next step is for the hesitant partner to identify what they would need in order to feel more comfortable, or to be clear if they don’t see a path to comfort at all,” Adam added. “At the same time, the enthusiastic partner needs to be honest about their expectations around what role they hope the pet will play, how much responsibility they’re willing to carry themselves, and what support they are (and are not) expecting from their partner.”

Amanda Farah, coordinator of national training and behavior at Best Friends Animal Society, a national no-kill animal shelter advocate and sanctuary, said that there are steps between not having a dog and suddenly getting a dog. One step is to simply gather more information. Everyone in the household can speak with an adoption counselor about what having a pet could look like, and what kind of dog might be right for them. 

“If your household isn’t in total agreement yet about adopting a pet, you and your family might find it helpful to start having discussions with a shelter or rescue group to learn about their adoption process and share what kind of pet you’re looking for,” she said. “Things like lifestyle fit and physical characteristics such as size and coat length can help everyone start thinking about what having a pet could really look like.” 

Best Friends adoption counselors are there to have a conversation with any prospective adopter, including the reluctant ones. As an example, Farah said, “[I]f someone’s family member is worried about not having the energy to play with or walk a dog after a long day at work, we might suggest they look at a senior or low-energy dog who doesn’t require as much physical activity.” 

Another way you can explore what dog ownership might mean for your family is through fostering. Often, rescues will provide the supplies needed to care for a foster dog while you live with them. It’s the closest you can get to a win-win-win when anyone is unsure about taking on the full responsibility of dog ownership. 

Sometimes it’s easier to say “yes” to a major change like adding a dog to your life when you’ve had a chance to visualize and understand what it will look like.

Questions to discuss with your household 

No matter how enthusiastic you are about getting a dog, the following are essential questions to ask of yourself and your household before bringing them home. Per Adam’s advice, for best results, approach these questions with openness and curiosity about the other partner’s perspective: 

• When, where, and how will the dog get fed? 
• How will we ensure the dog gets enough exercise and enrichment? (Be specific!)
• Does the dog need training? Who will train the dog? How will they train the dog? 
• If the pet has an accident, who will clean it up? 
• How much can we financially commit to this new family member? 
• Is there a vet nearby? Who will take the dog to the vet? 
• If there are any holes in the plan, can we afford to hire someone to help—like a dog walker or sitter? 

Besides ensuring everyone is on the same page, these can help a household drill down on the most suitable dog. As Farah put it, “Having these conversations can also help determine what kind of pet is best for your family’s lifestyle. Making sure everyone in your household is on the same page about adopting a pet before it happens will set both you and your future pet up for success.”  

What about kids? 

A reluctant partner is one thing, but very enthusiastic kids are another. Semel said that one of the most common roadblocks to a good transition she sees in her field is that children want a puppy, but then struggle once the puppy is in the home. The responsibility can be overwhelming to little ones, as can puppies’ “nipping and jumping stage.” (This stage is temporary, and good trainers can help families manage it.)

Ultimately, parents in this situation should expect to take full responsibility for the pet, and treat any help they get from children as “a bonus,” Semel said. This is rarely a deal-breaker for parents—dogs offer a number of benefits to kids, even if those kids never fill a dog’s water bowl.

It can be hard for dog lovers to imagine that anyone could be less than overjoyed at the prospect of bringing home a new best friend—but it’s always a good idea to go into pet adoptions clear-eyed, knowing what everyone expects and is ready to contribute. My dog Bonnie is thriving in part because my husband takes her for her morning walks—and I’m thriving because I get to sleep in a bit. Thank goodness we talked about it.